The End of Innocence..

The month is over and its been interesting to say the least. I've learned to move towards being completely insensitive and its all me now. Well, not like it was not all about me before either but now this is a state of mind I wish I would never change.

People around me think they know whats best for me, people assume to know what they really don't know 'How and why I must be doing what I do'.

Too many people have let me down, too many people turn away from the truth for comfort in their own little world. Promises broken, hearts shattered and thought processes micro analyzed to find what could've possibly gone wrong. Analyzed ten times over with no answer found. Then it is a self realization. "People" That's what they do, they let you down. I knew this, why didn't I listen to myself?

How many people, how many times? Err.. too many people, too many times... too soon...

Even the select few tend to utter nonsensical strings of advice in a hope that they can be relieved of the problem or maybe it will go away. Not always did I need anyone yet when feelings soften when you break down Shields that protect they need time to grow their protective cover again. Those who cared, no more dare to use the word, fearing that commitment and responsibility for their words will weigh them down. Those promises of faith written with invisible ink on a barely visible emotion.

If I didn't break down the walls, If I didn't let you in I would've been better than this, I wouldn't have done the humiliating. Ego tends to hold down the receptors of feeling. Pride keeps the head strong and directed above the rest. I wouldn't have been humiliated by you, by them and myself. I would've known what needed to be done and I would've done whatever was needed to be done. Never stopping to question, reason or rationalize it with emotion or feeling. It would've been done.

Old friends, quiet friends Pride, Ego welcome back its been awhile since we spoke. Yes its all been done. I've done everything that shouldn't have been done, loved with abandon only to be burned. Burned by truth, lies and deception never really in any specific order. I am hurt.. wounded and left for dead.

One last chance, it was not to be my chance. A foolish chance, a crippling blow. You don't know what you know until you know it. Assumptions Galore, the mother of all fuck ups! Not me.. I don't assume.. I only spoke the truth.. The truth is real...and painful.

"Everyone out.. Pride, Ego You sit down. You're staying you're helping me.. and this time I won't let you down. Everyone else can get the fuck out I'm done with you all, its over... I'm done!!"

Just One of those days...

Grandma's Birthday
Saturday was my grandmothers birthday.. She's 84 and frail! I don't think I'll ever want to live to be like her. Its unfortunate from my point of view, maybe not hers but I don't want to be like that.
She's got weak eyesight and she is losing her memory. She remembers stuff from a some years ago but she does get disoriented about what is happening in the present. I was there till the end because the mother is still not fit enough to travel much. So I was representing the family. Well I liked this grandmother.. She was alright actually.

Wedding
Then there were the cousin's, one who is getting married next year! Just one year older than I am so I just couldn't imagine how this was going to happen. I'm I just to retarded to not understand it or Immature? Or is it them! I think its them :)
Then there were kids running around like crazy and an uncle of mine saying "Get used to it its your turn next", WHAT THE FUCK! I calmly replied "uh huh lets see after a decade or so" and he replied "Don't wait so long a few more years, you wait, you'll see!". So it beings.. yes by next may when the wedding is I'm sure there'll be more and everyone will be an expert on my life. I'm hoping I'll be away outta the country on work even.

Stress
Stress from Saturday(work, social, friends, family, some other stuff) climaxed at about 11pm when a friend of mine pissed me off. All that remains from that day now is a really bad pain in my wrist and knuckles. Apparently I've smashed a door in. Oh well... better a door than anyone else I say. Now I don't have proper use of my right hand. So typing is a bitch!

Work
Work was a simple problem but it'll have long and drastic ramifications and I'm not sure about anything yet. I don't really know the truth about the matter and how deep the roots of this goes.
My biggest problem is I think i've repeated a mistake I made sometime during last year. ARRGH! How can that happen???? AGAIN!?!?!?!

Friends
Friends are the best.. Yes they are! When they are drunk, when they are stupid you just can't help it sometimes but tell them to fuck off! I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in the middle, everyone wants me to be there but if I'm not there I'm the bad guy.. fuck it.. I'm fucked myself and its about time I get selfish. Closed up again.. not talking to anyone and the friend complains I'm changing. Gosh gimme a break its time I focused on me... People let you down...

Social, Family and Some other Stuff!
err.. yeah weird stuff happening. Went to buy something I really like. Its kinda expensive so now I've gotta figure out a way to buy it given that I've got only one week to do it. If I can't it wont be that bad but it would've been nice to be able to buy it this time.

Family, from weddings to everything else.. they're all confused I tell you. The drama hasn't started yet and I'm the only one with insider info. I can't help but laugh my head off (Inside my head) when I hear what people say about a certain someone in the family. If they only knew.

Some other stuff, I had to do it...
Yes I've gone and done it. Just waiting for one question to be answered and well.. I'm done with people after that. The question will be get answered in many ways I'm guessing. Silence is one of them..
Life is too unpredictable for timing. If people don't respect me for that I have no problem. I know who I am that's all that matters.
If I didn't do it I'd be thinking about it.. I'd know now and knowing is half the battle. G. I. Joe - A Real American Hero.

Moving on..
I want to get myself a pup/puppies.. I think its time. I need them to keep my sanity I believe. Yet the mother doesn't want one and unfortunately she's not in a position to handle one either and I'm utterly depressed because of this.

Saturday
All of this Happened on Saturday between 1am and 11.30 pm hows that for a nice looooong day! Bloody hell I hope I don't have too many of these days. Its Monday, seems like its been a month since Saturday when its only been Sunday! I wish I had a dog.. everything would've been alright then....

You make me smile...

I am lucky and finally I appreciate something that i've had all along. I didn't realize this but through really bad times the shitest of days and crappy people if there is one thing that has made me smile constantly it is a Dog. From when i used to have two devils run around the house driving my mother crazy to now just petting a stray...

I can smile when I see a dog, when i see it cross the street on the pedestrian crossing or play with another dog. When I see the way they do weird things, sleep with all four feet pointing to the sky.. these weird things they do amuse me.

I've come to realize that no matter how hard it is, this is one thing that can take away the blues.

Today on my way to work I saw a tiny tortoise cross the road. I don't think it was any bigger than tennis ball. I managed to avoid it but I stopped and waited to see if it'll cross the road in peace without any other vehicles coming and running it over. This is was a very small road and it runs parallel to a canal and hardly any vehicles go on it. Yet not knowing was not going to be enough. I waited till it crossed over and then continued on my way to work.

The point if any is that I was so amused by this and it made me smile.. I was really happy that the poor little creature managed to get out of harms way!

I think I'm moving away from worrying about people to worrying more about animals.. better way to go I believe..
Whichever way.. for 13 of my 24 years I've had a dog around and that's the best! It really is. To love a dog and to have it love you is one of the greatest experiences of my life! I hope I never lose this ability to smile or think they're the cutest creatures on earth... life would be quite dull without these moments!

Yes I just remembered my dogs :D

Darft Mode, Isolation and Politeness...

I have three posts in draft mode right now and I'm hoping this will not be the 4th.

Every time I write something I tend to run out of time to finish it and save it in draft thinking I'm going to come back and finish it but it doesn't seem to happen.

Maybe I should try and finish them before they are really out dated and I can't remember what I was trying to say.

Some ramblings of the last week would have to be..

Someone I know broke their Hip!.. yeah and now they have metal screws in them. It got me thinking if I can do that cos i have a serious obsession with Wolverine.

Also for the first time in about 2 years or maybe more I took a vacation. I mean a REAL vacation where I didn't answer the phone. No one called me from work to say can you tell me this, no customers called to ask if we can supply.
The phone rang many times.. I didn't answer though.. and I stayed at home alone! Which meant I didn't meet more than 2 or 3 people for more than 5 minutes. Only those who came to bother me with their Plates of Food. No I'm not into New Year Food.

I was isolated and I loved it.. only wish I had a few more days of isolation.. I had a few great conversations with myself. I learnt that I have come along way since last year when everything in my life seemed to be falling apart.
As of now.. I'd have to say last year was the shitest year of my life. between Feb and Dec there was so much going on it was unbelievable. It was like a god awful comic where as soon as one thing ends the next begins.
But I'm still here.. stronger.. harder.. a little less sensitive(if that was possible) and I'm here to stay this time.

Right!
So...

On a random event, I was visiting the person who had broken their Hip just yesterday and the hospital was almost empty(New Year syndrome cures everyone i hear)
Anyway I walked into one of the elevators and there was a woman (can i say manning? or womaning) ok.. operating the elevator. So I said 5th floor and as i was stepping out i simply said "Thank you" with that her eyes kinda lit up for a moment.

I kinda realised that maybe few people say "thank you" to them. They thank the nurses and the staff the attendants the doctors but some people probably get ignored all together. Working in an environment where everyone around you gets thanked and you don't could be a painful experience.(I don't know for sure.. i'm assuming here)

I don't think anyone needs to be thanked more than what is required but a simple gesture of politeness can go along way.

Well it ended with me having to use the same elevator back down and when i walked in she smiled and when I was getting out again she seemed to smile again so again I said "thanks and good night"

I think this country can use a little politeness. It can probably make every one's life a little better.

If you disagree.. Let me know...

Movie time...

I woke up sunday at about err... 9.30 in the morning.. I think. Then the first thing I did was watch this movie. Legends of the Fall a 1994 movie. Its about 2 hours 30 minutes which just my kind of movie.
I love long movies that explicitly depict scenes and the story line.. This also had one of my favourite actors - Antony Hopkins who I believe is one of the best I have EVER seen.
This is a must watch if you haven't already..




Saturday I watched Little Miss Sunshine, I'm sure everyone has heard of it. This too was an interesting movie with a typical dysfunctional family coming together at the end of it. I wish life seemed so up and down and yet fixable as in the end. All in all its a watchable movie but leaves little for pondering after its all over. What were they trying to get out of the movie? I'm not quite sure? If at all there was this moment between Frank(the suicidal, gay uncle) and Dwayne(the nephew)



Watch it if you haven't.. its a nice.. Watch Legends of the Fall.. thats a must see..



Maybe i'll come up with a list of movies that should be watched by everyone.. Maybe my next posting... or a List on the blog..

Words...

I am at the dead loss for words.. I've always wanted to be a brilliant writer.. but I don't seem to have anything interesting to blog about. I can talk for hours on everything under this sun. I cannot write about it. This sucks because I like to write. It helps me vent. To express my ideas and communicate with more than just myself. Yes I communicate with myself and its quite interesting what we discuss.

Those are some of the best conversations I've ever had.. When I want I listen to me I listen. That's helped me a lot through hard times.

I give myself some very good advice too.. sometimes I only wish I would listen to myself a little more..

Yeah this is about words and my loss of words. I used to be a walking dictionary..but in the last 4 years or so I've lost my touch. I write poetry or lyrics what ever you want to call them go right and do so.. hopefully they make sense to someone out there.

Words.. anyone home?