A Boy and His Fucked up Fairy-tale

Gone? I used to be this person who believed in a fairytale, My own made up one. Yes I am guy 'boo hoo..' and i believed in a fairytale and NO I'm not gay for believing.

Yeah ever since I can remember I've known or believed that I will not be married. My reasons are my own and whatever they maybe I always thought that heck its not for me. All through this however I also had this belief that somewhere out there I would find a girl who would become my best friend and I would tell her everything about my life and she and I would be fabulous together.

Yeah I was not going to get married but I would have the girl of my dreams. Oxymoron if ever there was one, yes well that's my fairytale and its my fairytale so I get to live it anyway I want it.

Right, back on track... So yes, this girl would be someone I would trust. She would be the one person I would trust. Believe-you-me this girl was all made up but she was everything I wanted in one person.

Now what happens when this fairytale actually becomes reality? Yes You could say I was lucky.. or I thought I was lucky to find this.. And Oh boy I trusted, I loved and found my best friend. I trusted for the first time in my life..

The fairytale lasted sometime before it came crashing down on me. Only for me to realize that I was chasing my dream and I was never really a part of her dream. So my world stopped spinning for sometime. Thankfully I had pressure from work that I couldn't Ignore without having to pay a huge price for it. So I kept at that. That is all that got me through and that is all that gets me through...

Over the last year or so.. I've fixed myself, fixed meaning I've put the broken parts together by dumping everything into one regardless of how best they fit. I Left the heart out as an unessential unimportant part of the fixing up. Killed every bit of sensitivity I had, not that I had much but.. whatever I did have I kinda go rid of it too and so I'm fixed.

I've made a few mistakes over the last couple of months. More so leading from insanity of the break up. Hey I need to blame it on something right?. If I think about it honestly though.. they were not mistakes. It was something I did because I knew I had to do. Life's too short to leave room for "what if's?" so they were done.

Back to me.. Yeah I watched something that should've rekindled that fairytale I had made up for myself but this time it didn't. My Story is over... a badly written script with a fucked up ending. With pages missing before the ending so when it came to the end it could hit me with a nice rude awakening. Yes that's how it ended!

If anyone has watched the movie "Meet Joe Black" there is this scene at the coffee shop when he(Joe) was talking with the girl(Susan) he met. Joe tells Susan that when he finds the right girl he would do anything for her and she would do anything for him. Ah.. so that's where it started for me. Yeah I always believed that to be a possibility but movie idealized it for me. Its not a goal but more like a place I need to be.

So whichever way... its done now. When I think of the possibility that, hey maybe I'll find someone to hangout with. Err... Yeah that possibility doesn't exist anymore for me.

"No I'm not a corny sod who thinks of happily ever after and no its not my life ambition to find someone to settle down with".

This is my take on my life. After all.. friends will move on with their lives however way they wish to live it. Parents and family move on too.. Such is how life moves forward.. So in the middle years either I learn to live completely alone or I find someone I like to live with.. I thought it would be fun if there was someone I liked who would also be around to share some of the stupid things I like doing.

This post... well I guess I'm just venting... Because so many times I hear women complain that there are no decent guys. Those are the stupidest bitches I've ever met. I wonder what they consider to be decent, as far as I know decent is being a nice guy, caring, honest and the type that can put someone else's needs before his, a guy who would probably go through hell and back for the people he loves. Don't these count for being a decent guy? Maybe not.. i suppose the female definition of decent is this big guy who has shit for brains and is just looking to get laid so he will tell his girl everything she wants to hear so he gets his daily fuck, this guy would cheat on his girl and make a lame excuse like "it was a momentary laps but you're the love of my life". And guess what she would take him BACK! Fuck-shit if she was the love of his life he would remember that while he was banging that chick he was not supposed to be banging.

I am a one girl guy... Apparently those qualities are fucking no good in this day and age... Am I the only one who sees the irony of this?

I've never been so bitter about 'women' in my life..I've always respected them.. and the closest people in my life have been women right trough out.. Right now though.. I am just sick and tired of their bull shit. Most of all I am sick and tired of the person I've become .... but I have no idea how to be anything else because this is how I react to pain. I close up.. shut down.. talk little and let the world and everything in it go to hell. Basically I don't give a damn...

I read Lady Divine's post and got a bit worked up.. this has been boiling in me for a long time now.. It was in draft for a few days.. Finally the other day Spider was telling me that my blog has run dry and so I told her I'm not sure If this is too personal for me.. Oh well.. Root of My Affliction :)